I walked in my room this morning to an epic battle with my computer.
“Good morning, Computer” I said sweetly. “Please open Internet Explorer.”
Good ol’ Compy flipped me the bird.
“F–k you,” he said. “You cannot connect to the internet because you do not have an internet connection.”
“I beg to differ,” I argued, just as sweetly as before. “I had an internet connection yesterday when I left. Now please open Internet Explorer.”
“Go to hell,” responded my computer.
I sighed. “Don’t make me check all your cables,” I said.
Compy shrugged. I got down on my hands and knees and checked the cables. Fully intact. I resurfaced and grabbed my mouse.
“Please open Internet Explorer,” I repeated.
“I hate your guts,” responded Compy. “And you still don’t have an internet connection.”
“Please?” I begged.
“You cannot connect to the internet because you do not have an internet connection,” Compy repeated in a bored tone. “You crazy bitch.”
I do not permit insolence in the classroom.
“Alright, Compy,” I said calmly, using my teacher voice. “You have two choices. You may either change your attitude and open internet explorer, or I’m going to have to report you to the office.”
Compy whistled and stared at the ceiling, tapping his mouse.
“Ok,” I told him. “Fair enough.” I reported him to the Tech Guru.
“Compy’s being an ass,” I said. “He says I don’t have an internet connection.”
“Again?” She sighed. “I’ll talk to him.” She followed me back to my room and dug roughly into Compy’s cables. I smirked at him over her shoulder.
“I don’t see anything wrong, here,” she said.
Compy gave a fake pathetic cough.
“Let me check the wall connection.” Tech Guru followed the cable that ran through the ceiling to the opposite side of the room. She crouched by the outlet. “Oh my god!” She gasped.
Compy moaned and threw his keyboard over his eyes. I caught him peeking out from between the keys.
“What?” I asked.
“Someone has shoved paper into the outlet, covered it in tape, then jammed the entire outlet way back into the wall! This is no accident! This is vandalism!”
I groaned. Compy snickered.
“I’ll get it fixed for you, but I’m gonna have to go get some tools.” Tech Guru exited, muttering about the rudeness of it all.
“You did that on purpose,” I hissed at Compy once I heard the door click.
“La la la la…I can’t heeeeear you….” he turned down the volume on his speakers. “Oh, wait…didn’t you have an online quiz today? And what’s that? Grades are due by the end of the day? And attendance. However are you going to take attendance? What can you possibly do without me, the sole keeper of your lesson plans?”
I squared my shoulders and stood tall. I stared Compy right in his glowing blue screen.
I dusted off some old transparencies and shook the grandaddy projector awake. Copied quiz in erasable marker, pulled attendance sheets out of emergency sub plans, yanked curriculum guide plus textbook off shelf, reviewed previous day’s lesson. Oh, that’s right. I remember where we were…
Sent kid to attendance with post-it of tardy names, took quiz on loose leaf paper reading from transparency. Used teachable moment to brainstorm vocabulary related to technology old and new. Free write question of the day: What would the world be like without technology? Use at least five examples of the conditional tense.
“Hey! Heeey!” whined Compy in his corner. “You can’t teach with out me! I’m Education in the 21st Century!”
“Yeah,” I looked casually over my shoulder. “I know.”
But educators, we’re for all centuries.