Specific directions for POOP test administration begin here. It is important for the POOP Test Proctor to read all directions exactly as printed in this script.
Each student must have a test book, an answer booklet, and a standard, wooden, graphite-based No. 2 pencil with an eraser. A lethargic attitude and an aversion to sitting still are recommended, but not required.
Under no circumstances is common sense permitted during the administration of this test.
SAY: Today you will be taking session #1 of your state’s Promoting Objectionable and Obnoxious Programs (POOP) assessment. It is important that you take this test seriously, as it will allow us to judge how well you perform tasks not at all related to the real world in conditions entirely inconducive to adolescent learning styles. Your scores will be collected and used to criticize your school and teachers accordingly.
Open your test book to page 1 and look at the directions at the top of the page. Read along silently as I read aloud. Get used to this little routine because you are going to hear the same speech more times than you or I care to count, even though research has proven that monotonous repetition does not promote attention and most of what I’m going to read to you is common sense. Common sense is a violation of POOP protocol #635 No use of common sense in testing and violation of this protocol may result in test mis-administration.
“As you work, you will see two pictures called icons. Icons are like the little app thingys you see on your cell phone, only these are on paper so they won’t do anything if you touch them. The following tells you what each icon means: Whenever you see a Go On arrow, you should turn the page and continue working. Whenever you see the icon that says “STOP. Do not go on to the next page,” it means that you have reached the end of the session. You should not go on to the next page. It means you should stop. Do not turn the page. Do not go on to following sections of the test. STOP means STOP. “Do not go on to the next page” means do not go on to the next page. In case you still do not understand my repetitive and monotonous use of the word STOP, I will continue to beat it into your head over the next three hours of instructions I am going to read. I am also going to hold up a picture of a STOP sign so that you visually understand what STOP means.”
Hold up picture of a STOP page.
SAY: Bubbles next to your answers should be filled in completely. All other bubbles should be empty. Do not fill in bubbles incompletely, half-assedly, or in neat little patterns that create zombies, unicorns or other fantastic creatures of your choice.
For the answer you choose, make your mark heavy and dark. Should you wish to change your answer, erase the original mark completely making sure there are no stray marks, misplaced answers, or drawings of random genitalia on the page. Fill in the answer in the new bubble refraining from using the bubbles to spell out words. Extensive investigation into all letter combinations already exists. You’re limited to “abacadaba” and a few minor variations thereof. Sorry. It’s been done.
Are there any questions?
Pause to glance up blankly at students, then continue reading.
SAY: Remember, if you see the icon that says “STOP. Do not go on to the next page,” it means that you have reached the end of the session and you should not go on to the next page. It means you should stop.
If, at any time you need to leave the room, raise your hand. During the test, there is to be no talking or disturbance. You are not allowed to have cell phones or other technology as you might use them to take illicit photos of the POOP assessment and sell them on the always-hot standardized testing black market. You may not have water, as you might spill it, forcing a POOP grader to read a non-pristine copy of the answer booklet. You may not chew gum, eat a snack, take a stretch break, ask a clarifying question or do anything else that you might normally do during a study session or in the real world. To do any of the above is in strict violation of previously mentioned POOP protocol #635 as well as POOP protocol #741 Make testing as unlike real life as possible and may result in a testing mis-administration.
When you have finished Session 1, you should go back and check your work in Session one only. Do not go back to Session 0.5. Do not go on to Session 2 or following sessions. You must not go beyond the “STOP. Do not go on to the next page,” page because if you see the “STOP. Do not go on to the next page,” page it means you should stop. You should not go on to the next page.
When you finish checking your work in Session 1, close your test book and answer key and place your pencil on top of the test book. Sit quietly until everyone else has finished. You may not read a book or do any writing. You may not listen to your ipod. You may not move around, make faces at your friends, lie on the floor, kick your neighbor’s desk, draw boobs on your answer key, or do anything else that you, as a teenager, would normally do to entertain yourself while sitting in a cinderblock room of dead silence for an extra forty minutes while waiting for the last kid to close his test booklet.
Once the 90 minute testing session has ended, you will be allowed a five minute break followed by three more ninety-minute sessions that will accurately and thoroughly measure your grade-level knowledge and your school’s performance.
Are there any questions?
You may begin.