*Disclaimer* I am crude and irreverent. My brother is cruder and irreverent-er. If you’re easily offended, do yourself a favor and just don’t read this.
Bracronyms: (noun.) 1. Shit my brother makes up. 2. Fun in word form.
Education uses a ridiculous amount of acronyms.
Recently, in my highly productive efforts to waste my own time and that of anyone else who mistakenly reads my blog, I thought it would be a good idea to take a collection of those oh-so-common acronyms and cleverly alter them to mean something else. My primary motivation in doing this was to entertain myself at staff meetings. If everyone else heard “IEP” and thought “Individualized Education Plan,” I could happily giggle away at the thought that maybe it stood for “I Eat Poop.”
Sadly enough, however, my creativity failed me. I have been so overwhelmingly brainwashed by the educational lingo that I simply stared at my sheet of acronyms thinking, “IEP. Individualized Education Plan. Oh, crap. Did I make the right modifications for the IEP kids in my first period? Need to check on that. Where did I leave my IEP folder?” And other such non-entertaining thoughts.
Thank god for little brothers.
My younger brother is my go-to for all things clever. He’s also my go-to for all things inappropriate, all things sarcastic and the person to see when I’m feeling the need to have my ribs cracked in a so-called hug right before being body slammed into the ground and tickled to the point of peeing my pants, despite the fact that I’m now in my 30s and not cut out for such nonsense.
He is my “I should have said…” guru.
Thinking he could offer me a little inspiration, I sent him a quick text. What came of that is really just best put down here verbatim.
* * * * *
Me: We’re going to play a game. I’m going to send you an acronym. You’re going to tell me what it stands for.
Bro: Alien-Like Penis Segment.
Bro: Right turn Initiated.
Bro: 504? Numbers don’t stand for something. They’re universal constants, dipshit.
Me: 401k stands for something, arsehole.
Bro: The “k” does, dickface. 504 is the weight of Rush Limbaugh’s ego. In metric tons.
Bro: Fat Teachers Eat
Bro: Torch Our Stupid Archives.
Bro: Allllllll Pus…
Me: Keep it clean!
Bro: Fine. Anti-Pro. Arable Pot.
Me: GPA, SAT, ESL
Bro: Guys Pinch Ass, Sexy and Titties, Errant Spit Loogie
Me: aaaaand we’re back to sex.
Bro: How is that sex?
Me: Guys Pinch Ass? Sexy and whatever? SRO.
Bro: Show Ripe Orifice.
Me: Seriously?! Bro!
Bro: Now THAT’s sexy!
Bro: Alright. Shun Real Orators.
Me: Oops. Just sent you an empty text. Sorry.
Bro: All your messages are empty, emotionally and intellectually speaking.
Bro: You want an definition for “ass”?
At which point I had to temporarily abandon the conversation because my five-month old nephew decided to (in my brothers words) “start screaming his fool head off.” Having (as usual) come out on the losing end of the banter, I re-grouped for the next round.
Me: I’m upping the ante. I’m giving you a word or phrase. You define it. “Demo.”
Bro: Opposite of “de-less”
Me: “Early Release”
Bro: What I experienced watching the lesbian scene of…
Me: CLEAN! Never mind. “PD Day.”
Bro: P. Diddy Day! A national holiday!
Me: And just how does one go about celebrating P. Diddy Day?
Bro: By changing your name to something unnecessarily goofy.
Me: Related, perhaps, to “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Day?”
Bro: Also related to Chad Ochocinco day, and Staff Sergeant Max Fightmaster Day.
Bro: My stance on you sucking.
Me: Ok. I giggled. I admit it.
Me: “Structures” or “scaffolding.”
Bro: Scaffolding?? You want me to define scaffolding? I’m not your performing monkey.
Me: Um. Yes, you are. “Essential Question.”
Bro: Who am I? Why am I here? Why does asparagus make my pee smell funny?
Me: “Monitor and Ajust.”
Bro: What I have to do to my balls when they’re sticking to my thighs on a hot summer day.
Me: You just can’t leave the private parts out of it, can you?
Bro: I’m a sucker for scatological humor. Naughty bits are inherently funny. Like weasels and broccoli.
Me: I love you. Truly.
Bro: Madly? Deeply? Are you hitting on me?
And considering that things only went downhill from there (if there ever was an uphill to begin with) I’ll just leave it at that. But for those of you who may have the pleasure of sitting through some endless staff meetings in the future, I offer this advice: raise your hand, stare hard at your principal, and ask seriously why making the Annual Yeti Promotion is such a big deal, anyway.
Bro: Aaaaaaaand….scene! G’night, everybody!