1. Are we doing anything today?
No. No, we’re not. Actually, this might come as a shock to you, but we haven’t done anything all year because I don’t really speak Spanish. Everything I’ve been teaching you is a fake language I made up to try and get a job. It worked. But when you get to Spanish II next year, you’ll realize you’re totally screwed. So, no, you don’t really need to be here today. I’ll just be inventing the words for colors as I go.
2. When am I ever going to use this?
You won’t. Pretty much nobody south of the border speaks Spanish. They just like to fake it to confuse the gringos. Actually, Spanish itself doesn’t even really exist. It’s a plot by a bunch of clever folks who thought it’d be funny to see if the gullible Americans fell for the “invent a non-existent” language trick. But good thing you’re smarter than that and figured it out. Whew. I think you’re much better off just dropping this class completely since it’s a total waste of time. You might want to consider dropping out of school as well because Science, Math and History are just some silly nonsense my buddies and I invented over happy hour.
3. What can I do to bring my grade up?
Well, seeing as it’s 2.4 seconds before I hand out the final and nine days after the deadline for late work, I’d suggest you begin my inventing a time machine. Right after that, you’re going to want to zap yourself back to, I don’t know…September, let’s say. In September, you’re going to have to schedule with a therapist, spend some quality time on the couch, identify the root sources of your tendency to procrastinate and then, as difficult as it may be, start giving a rat’s ass before, oh, December or so.
4. Why do we have to do this?
I paid a lot of money to get a degree that doesn’t pay a lot of money. Since I’ll never be rich and famous, or have eight cars and a small, yappy dog dressed in pink tutus, I have to find non-monetary fulfillment in my profession. Currently, I’m most entertained by inventing work that makes you suffer with boredom and whine at me. It’s my idea of a good time.
5. What’s the point?
The point is, that no matter what kind of a fussy, obnoxious, or sullen pain-in-the-rear you try to be, I’m going to out-stubborn you. And probably like you in the process. So sit your booty in the seat, shove a sock in it, and learn. It’s what we do.